fight or flight

At this point I am so used to the fight or flight mode that not being stressed seems to overwhelm my whole system. My body is constantly tired yet twitchy, my mind cannot stop racing, searching for reasons to be busy while I am not even able to think one clear thought through. 

I do not know where I belong, now that the fight is over. It was a game without winners and after all rescue attempts had failed miserably, and the only option left was a mournful conclusion, I struggle to find balance in peace. All along, safety has been an unfamiliar concept for me. So after many years of figuring out what safety might potentially be outside of constructed, manipulated and codependent structures and continuously fighting for this new ideal, all that is left are unknown grounds on which I seem to awkwardly stumble around without direction. 

How can one learn safety, respectively (and more importantly) unlearn persistent and omnipresent fear, caution, and alert? Might it even be possible that underneath all the trauma responses and coping mechanism, a completely different identity lies hidden, curiously awaiting to be discovered and encouraged? And should it not be my responsibility, to provide the space for this potential gem to be brought to light and nourished and to eventually watch it grow into the fairest flower possible? 

For is it not my purpose in this life to always strive to becoming my best possible self so I can live my best possible life? 

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